I’m going to go on the TV show The Voice
But im not going to take my whole body
Just my head
The stage manager Toby wasn’t sure at first
But when I have my lipstick on you don’t notice the lack of arms and legs as much
I’m going to sing a song about being wiser and finding myself
It will be more poignant as my body isn’t there
People gasp as I am carried onto the stage and heavy silence falls as I look out into the crowd
A nervous first breath and then I start to sing
My voice sounds like a perfect blend of all three Bee Gees. The moustache is audible. I nod my head from side to side and raise my eyebrows.
I miss the high notes repeatedly and the song is exclusively high notes.
Falsetto tumbles down and breaks into a bassy rumble
The crowd are on my side though, they whoop and cry in delight at my endeavour
Then after the song and the weeping is over they will ask me where I am from
And I will tell them I’m from a small town that’s not far from a bigger town and ask for my shoes.@2 months ago with 1 note
Marmite is a dark art.
It has a distinctive taste and people who eat it describe it as
'savoury dog oil',
'the sap of the dog'
and ‘dog treacle’
Spreading it on toast is a relatively new phenomenon as Marmite was originally used to oil the rusty fingers of chess players.
Chess is a dating game. A really boring dating game, which guarantees no further dates.@4 months ago
Ronika’s name means salami in 46 different languages. As a child she used to like to sit and eat sausages with her grandma. At the age of 9 she became a vegetarian and her grandma had to eat sausages alone.
In infant school she performed a dance dressed as a teenage mutant ninja turtle, even then, she knew she looked like a fool.
A keen dancer, she dropped out of ballet school to pursue a life of eating. People have often said when you look deep into her eyes they see croissants staring back.
As a child Ronika used to confuse the words ‘Leeds’ and ‘Aids’ thinking they meant the same thing. On a car journey to Leeds she prepared for the worst.
Music was always a problem. Ronika was unable to eat without humming for many years. People thought it was un-nerving and would leave the room. Finally she kept the hum and dropped the munch, starting to sing with real words instead of food.
As teenager she picked up a guitar and strung it with Diana Ross’s hair. Inspired by Meatloafs stare and Tupacs pout she wrote her first tune, it took 8 years to finish but became a huge hit in the Democratic Republic of Poundland.
At the age of 14 she went to her first techno all-nighter in Brixton these were often followed by after-parties in the houses of hippies raving to techno. ‘Hippy’ was Ronika’s first word, at the age of 14.
Then came record collecting, playing drums, DJing, producing music and sound engineering in a roller coaster of incompetence and delusion.
Still going and pleased to meet you. xoxoxox@7 months ago